Lovely Marissa

"Once you seep in, under my skin, there's nothing in this world that could wash you away..."
Limp Bizkit "Eat you Alive"


Happy Easter, Everyone! This one is a bit difficult for me, because there are some emotions here that I'm still sorting through. What can I tell you about Marissa? Sounds like something from "The Sound of Music," doesn't it? All I'm going to say for now is that she works at a truckstop in Des Moines. I don't want her to catch too much hell for this. If you're a driver, and you visit the Des Moines area on a regular basis, you may have already run into her. See, I've seen my share of truckstop waitresses, and, with the exception of only a couple, they seem to be
middle-aged women, somewhat surly, most are not particularly attractive. Maybe they work because they have kids to support, maybe they're married, maybe not. And I'm sure they've
heard every "line" in the book from all you a-holes. Yeah, the first one I "noticed" was at the Worlds Largest Truckstop in Walcott, IA - I'll call her Susan. She was beautiful, friendly, very good waitress, and I would look foreward to seeing her every week (don't remember what day).
She must have been in her early 30's, with a couple of kids. Then one day I go in there and it's "She doesn't work here any more..." Oh shit! I didn't get a chance to...
Now comes Marissa (obviously not her real name). I first met her probably late spring/early summer of '06. You know how, when you see someone on a regular basis, but don't really "notice" them for several weeks, or even longer? That's the way it was with Marissa. I would go in there on Wednesdays, and yeah, she's beautiful and all, but I didn't really notice her until I started talking to her. See, there's where the problems started, I think, because I was immediately attracted to her. She is charming, clever, witty, great sense of humor, and sharp as a damn tack! She could match wits with me, line for line, and even make me look foolish - and I went to college, for Chrissakes! That really impressed me. Any questions I had about the place and their policies, she knew right off the top of her head. Those are the qualities that just knocked me out. I mean yeah, there was that killer smile, that jet black hair, her beautiful face. She has this accent, like Southern California, but I never got a chance to ask her if that's where she's from. I'd come in after a grueling trip out there, and I'd get a double shot: first the air conditioning would hit you, then that smile. It was like being shot with a laser. My old heart could barely stand it, lol.
Anyway, things went on like this for a while; I'd wake up Wednesday mornings in Rockford and think "Damn, today's the day I get to see Marissa (whooppeee!)" Hell, I'd bust my ass even
harder, so I could get my work done faster, so I could see her sooner. Is that insane, or what?
And it was sort of anti-climactic; I'd go in there, and she'd be so damn busy, I couldn't get but
30 seconds of her time ("sound bites," as I came to call them), and then my hour-long dinner would be over, and time to try and get some sleep. I'd try to eat slower and stuff, but you know, I still had to make it back to Chicago. Otherwise, I'd sit at the damn counter all night, just so I could watch her, ya know? The way she made those desserts, I'd think "Damn, I wish she'd pour chocolate on me like that!" (just kidding) And I'd walk in there and she'd say "Oh yeah, it's Wednesday..." like I became her personal calender or something. So I started falling for this young woman, and I mean hard. I pulled some really stupid moves, that, looking back, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking about. The first of these was over the holidays and, yep, you guessed it, I got her a Christmas present. It wasn't really that big or much, whatever, but that was probably the beginning of the end. See, I was trying to get close to her, establish some sort of a connection that could possibly lead to a friendship, but she would have none of it. The "chemistry"that I thought we shared was just in my mind, and it's a hard thing to accept now, because I could have sworn she felt it too, although she never let on. And it's not that I ever "wanted"anything, you know, physical, from her. I mean, I'm a married man, probably twice her age. Like Susan, she has many admirers, not that I ever felt "jealous" or in competition with any other truckers. I just wanted to talk with her, get to know her a little better; but to do that, I needed some of her time. That was the one commodity she absolutely would not share. In fact, she shared only what she wanted you to know about her, nothing more. I think part of that smile and attitude is from training, so they can get a bigger tip, I dunno. But I would always tip her more, just 'cause I liked her, and she really did do a wonderful job.
One time, I even offered to walk her to her car (how scary is that?) after she got off work. So, I'm standing outside, waiting for her to come out, and I'm thinking "Steve, what the FUCK are you doing?" And just then, I kid you not, a black cat walked past me. I was like "I gotta get outta here." That foolish and immature act, I think, is what turned her off to me for good. After that, even though I apologized, her smile didn't seem quite as dazzling. There were days when I'd go in, and she barely said "boo" to me. So I'm really kicking myself for that one. I don't know what the hell came over me.
So, now it's time to say goodbye. There were several weeks where I thought it was the end, when in fact, it wasn't. I'd say "Good luck, I'll miss you, have a nice life..." and she'd laugh and say "You make it sound as if you're dying." In a way, part of me was. Now it's over, and I have regrets, just like with Susan. I wish I'd had the chance to say some things, something that would maybe change her mind about me, but, I guess I'll never know. I gave her my number and everything, but she hasn't called, and now I realize that she never will. I mean, why would she?
What would she want with an old bastard like me? I'm just another trucker to her, just another customer, just another tip.

To Marissa: Hey, sweetie! I hope you get a chance to read this. Listen, I wanted to say "Thank you again for everything." You have been absolutely wonderful to me. I'm really sorry for behaving like a jerk in the past, and I hope you can forgive me. I never meant to make you uncomfortable. I sure wish I had had the chance to know you a little better. I think you are one of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life, and I know you'll succeed in whatever you decide to do. So good luck, have a nice life, and yes, I will miss you terribly. If it sounds as if I'm dying, it's because part of me is. If you ever have a change of heart (they say "absense makes the heart grow fonder") you know how to reach me. I will never forget you.



More soon,

Steve