"Illinois, I'm your boy..." Dan Fogleberg
Ah, good ol' Dan Fogleberg. When I was in Peoria in the late 70's, he was one of our "claims to fame," along with Richard Pryor. In fact, I think I went to high school with Richard Pryor's son,
but I'm not certain. So, I live in the flatlands, anyone know why I love it so? Well, speaking as a truck driver, it sure beats the shit out of hilly states like Missouri, Tennessee, Pennsylvania, etc.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm sure those places are lovely, I just don't wanna drive thru them, especially if I have a full load on, that's all. Hell, and I won't even mention the mountain states, in the winter time. I've had plenty of blizzard and white-out conditions right here in the midwest, thank you very much. Yep, just give me my flatlands, the central plains, and I'm a happy man. Now, I know all you OTR truckers are experience driving through the hills and all, and I tip my hat to ya, really. I remember when I had to pick up pepperoni in small-town central IA, and you'd have to make a right turn out onto the main road, which was a steep hill going up. So, you're starting off from a stop, turning onto a busy road, and going uphill in winter, with a full load on. It's not really scary, just challenging in it's own right. Shit, I've been watching this wonderful program on the History Channel called "Ice Road Truckers" - Sunday nights - now these guys are nuts! Hauling heavy mining equipment over frozen lakes in sub-zero temps, with little daylight, and, because there's no DOT (in Northern Canada), they put in 17+ hour-days. Now that's dangerous! Not worth risking your life to make some good cash. Obviously, it's worth it to them, but, like I said, they're a little crazy.
Look, I'm not like most of you guys. I'm happy just to put in my time (kinda like prison) at my job, and then go home. This is not a lifestyle to me, like I've said before, it's just a means to an end. I can appreciate those who DO choose trucking as a lifestyle; it's a big commitment: you have equipment to buy to furnish your truck, supplies. You have to be away from home days and weeks at a time. The larger vehicles you drive are more difficult to maneuver (backing, docking, etc.) You have to eat sub-standard truckstop food (it's not that bad, is it?) I actually prefer it to Mickey D's all the time, ya know? Anyway, I couldn't do what you guys and gals do, just like I'm sure you wouldn't want to do my job.
The other aspect of my home state that I want to address is speed; yeah, I'm kind of protective
of that, if that makes any sense. Look, I know you people are from states where the speed limit is 65+mph, but here in IL it's generally only 55 for trucks. In fact, coming out of IA on I80, we go from 70 for all vehicles, to 65 when you hit the quad cities ( I usually jump onto 280 to bypass, plus I have a delivery in Rock Island just off 280) and then 55 for trucks once you cross the river. I know 55mph is antiquated, and pretty unreasonable. I mean, no one should have to travel that slowly. But people, it's the damn LAW! This isn't friggin Montana, where you can drive as fast as you please, because there's nobody around. This is civilization; there are populated areas here! The rule of thumb I live by is this: "Nine is fine, 10 you're mine..." thanks to the Bob and Tom radio program (funny as hell, by the way) who apparently know some state troopers that use this "over-the-speed-limit" rule. I don't drive 55, like I said, it's unreasonable, but I don't blow the speed limit away, either. Many of you people do, don't deny it, you know who you are. I'm not an agent for the Illinois State Police or anything, although sometimes I wish I had them on speed dial to report some of you assholes. In fact, I point and laugh when I see one of 'em pulled over ("Ha-ha" Nelson from The Simpsons). Look, I don't wish any misfortune to anyone, but if you're driving like an asshole, then, you should suffer the consequences. That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it. So, I'm usually in the middle of the pack: I'll pass a few slower trucks ("obeyers" is what I call them - tip of the hat to Eric Idle from Monty Python "Is your wife a goer? Nudge, nudge, wink wink" "Are you an obeyer?"), but most
trucks are passing me, and not just passing, but blowing me away. Like I've said before, I don't give a shit if everyone and their grandmother passes me, as long as they don't fuck with me. That means tailgating me before they pass, cutting right in front, and not acknowledging my signal to pass. That last one pisses me off more than anything (along with not using turn signals). It's very rude, but most drivers don't give a shit anymore. Courtesy is going the way of the cab over engine truck - fading out of existence. So, it's every man and woman for themselves, now, right? Kinda sad, as far as I'm concerned.
Ok, that's my rant for this week - I just wish some of you would slow the fuck down a bit, that's all. What's the damn hurry? I have a schedule, too, and I am able to keep it, without driving like a maniac (like many of our 4-wheel friends out there - I'll discuss them in an upcoming post).
Yeah, so I'm happy as a pig in shit just to be here, and to be from IL. Wanna make something of it?
More soon,
Steve
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Grumblings
"I can't get from the cab to the curb without some little jerk on my back..." Pretenders "Middle of the Road"
Yeah, so I'm back from vacation; it was really nice to get away. Me and the family unit went to
Starved Rock State Park here in Illinois. Really nice, very peaceful. We all got a little bit of what we wanted; my wife got pampered, my daughter got to go swimming, and I got to commune with nature a little bit. Then, I came back! Uggg! They changed the routes around again, so, I'm not going to Cheeseland any more (yay!), but I'm out in central Iowa again. Here's what happened: I pull out of the dock, and I notice the reefer is completely dead, won't come on at all.
So, I have to get re-loaded into another trailer, an hour delay. So now I'm behind the gun, so to speak. I guess it could be worse, but man, that first day just friggin' kills me. These company stores (and I've bitched about them before) just don't quit. The one in Machesney Park is the worst, not because of their ordering, but they've torn up the street you use to get back into the parking lot, and you just can't get back there any more. Like a dummy, I tried, and I made it, but wound up scraping up against a dumpster, knocking off a marker light on the side of the truck. So, after delivering their 200 pieces in 85 degree heat and humidity (yes, even at 8:30 in the morning, sweat was pouring off me), now I have to bring the truck in to have the marker replaced. I must have lost 10lbs that day! Then, because I had to blow off the Rockford store, I had to start earlier on Wed., go do that store at 3:00am, then run off to Dubuque. I told my bosses that we would have to deliver the Machesney store from the front, which is difficult during the day (busy strip mall), so it looks like a night-time delivery.
I know, I know, I sound like just another guy bitching about his job. But damn! They make it so difficult, ya know? I shouldn't be this hard. The good thing is, I've been to all these stores before, so I kind of know what to expect. I mean, there may be a few minor changes here & there, but it's pretty much the same, for the most part. But, sad to say, I'm not making it out to Des Moines, to see the lovely Marissa. I sent her a birthday card and all, but still not a peep from her, so I guess I'll just have to write her off. Chances are I won't be heading out that way, but it's still possible I suppose. They told me if the Nebraska driver was over-weight, that I'd have to catch his overflow, so perhaps I'll get a chance to see her again, I dunno. That would be really nice, but I'm also a realist, and, in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter much.
Anyway, I've had the chance to run into some of my other favorite Iowans, so that's cool.
Now I'm getting back on Thur. about noon or so, and I rest up to do my local route in the city and 'burbs. I got there early, 'cause I finished early, but I forgot the first store in Chicago doesn't close'til 11:00, so I get there at 11:20, and they're just shutting the place down. I had to sit there for 40min. before I could start delivering. Then, I had a special stop in Rolling Meadows, before heading out to Hoffman Estates, the two Aurora stores I also do on my Iowa run, and finally, Chicago Heights. See, I used to do this route many moons ago, but it was on Friday night/Saturday morning, which is a lot different than Thursday night/Friday morning. There's a lot more traffic on the weekday, so as you're moving from middle of the night to morning, you have more traffic to deal with. It's ok if you're going the opposite direction, but with early morning rush in Chicago, it can take forever, especially with the construction zones on the toll roads. And, as I've said before, I hate delays! It's one of the worst parts about this job; I want to get in and out of these places, and especially the last couple of stores, get done before the workers start coming in and bossing you around. Sometimes the delays are unavoidable (like traffic); there's nothing you can do but grit your teeth and bear it. The one really nice thing about finishing up in Chicago Heights is that you're on the south side, and Ryder is just up the street (they opened up the fuel islands early, after telling us it would be two months). You don't even have to get back onto the expressway if you don't want to; it's a leisurely drive back to Cal City. So, that's something to look foreward to, as you move through the night and into the morning. We'll see how it works out.
More soon,
Steve
Yeah, so I'm back from vacation; it was really nice to get away. Me and the family unit went to
Starved Rock State Park here in Illinois. Really nice, very peaceful. We all got a little bit of what we wanted; my wife got pampered, my daughter got to go swimming, and I got to commune with nature a little bit. Then, I came back! Uggg! They changed the routes around again, so, I'm not going to Cheeseland any more (yay!), but I'm out in central Iowa again. Here's what happened: I pull out of the dock, and I notice the reefer is completely dead, won't come on at all.
So, I have to get re-loaded into another trailer, an hour delay. So now I'm behind the gun, so to speak. I guess it could be worse, but man, that first day just friggin' kills me. These company stores (and I've bitched about them before) just don't quit. The one in Machesney Park is the worst, not because of their ordering, but they've torn up the street you use to get back into the parking lot, and you just can't get back there any more. Like a dummy, I tried, and I made it, but wound up scraping up against a dumpster, knocking off a marker light on the side of the truck. So, after delivering their 200 pieces in 85 degree heat and humidity (yes, even at 8:30 in the morning, sweat was pouring off me), now I have to bring the truck in to have the marker replaced. I must have lost 10lbs that day! Then, because I had to blow off the Rockford store, I had to start earlier on Wed., go do that store at 3:00am, then run off to Dubuque. I told my bosses that we would have to deliver the Machesney store from the front, which is difficult during the day (busy strip mall), so it looks like a night-time delivery.
I know, I know, I sound like just another guy bitching about his job. But damn! They make it so difficult, ya know? I shouldn't be this hard. The good thing is, I've been to all these stores before, so I kind of know what to expect. I mean, there may be a few minor changes here & there, but it's pretty much the same, for the most part. But, sad to say, I'm not making it out to Des Moines, to see the lovely Marissa. I sent her a birthday card and all, but still not a peep from her, so I guess I'll just have to write her off. Chances are I won't be heading out that way, but it's still possible I suppose. They told me if the Nebraska driver was over-weight, that I'd have to catch his overflow, so perhaps I'll get a chance to see her again, I dunno. That would be really nice, but I'm also a realist, and, in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter much.
Anyway, I've had the chance to run into some of my other favorite Iowans, so that's cool.
Now I'm getting back on Thur. about noon or so, and I rest up to do my local route in the city and 'burbs. I got there early, 'cause I finished early, but I forgot the first store in Chicago doesn't close'til 11:00, so I get there at 11:20, and they're just shutting the place down. I had to sit there for 40min. before I could start delivering. Then, I had a special stop in Rolling Meadows, before heading out to Hoffman Estates, the two Aurora stores I also do on my Iowa run, and finally, Chicago Heights. See, I used to do this route many moons ago, but it was on Friday night/Saturday morning, which is a lot different than Thursday night/Friday morning. There's a lot more traffic on the weekday, so as you're moving from middle of the night to morning, you have more traffic to deal with. It's ok if you're going the opposite direction, but with early morning rush in Chicago, it can take forever, especially with the construction zones on the toll roads. And, as I've said before, I hate delays! It's one of the worst parts about this job; I want to get in and out of these places, and especially the last couple of stores, get done before the workers start coming in and bossing you around. Sometimes the delays are unavoidable (like traffic); there's nothing you can do but grit your teeth and bear it. The one really nice thing about finishing up in Chicago Heights is that you're on the south side, and Ryder is just up the street (they opened up the fuel islands early, after telling us it would be two months). You don't even have to get back onto the expressway if you don't want to; it's a leisurely drive back to Cal City. So, that's something to look foreward to, as you move through the night and into the morning. We'll see how it works out.
More soon,
Steve
Monday, June 18, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
Tidbits, #4
"Keep your pecker hard and your powder dry, and the world will turn..." From the movie
"Platoon"
Two-wheel hand dollys ("2 wheelers" for short), curb plate, strap for pizza boxes, ramp on trailer - all these things are necessary for me to do my job properly & efficiently. In addition, I use: gloves, knife for cutting thru shrinkwrap, and even a flashlight (for pre-trip inspection, and if the interior trailer lights aren't working). If any one of these items is missing or fucked-up, then it creates problems. And, I think you guys all know by now how much I HATE problems.
I'll give you a prime example, and why I call myself "King of the Freak Accident!" So, I'm finishing up the other night at one of the Aurora, IL stores, and I'm pretty frustrated; I've been rained on practically the whole time, I'm out there cursing & swearing, and I have an hour drive to Elgin in front of me. So, I finish up and get moving. I get to the Elgin store and, I'm not kidding, the tailgate is open, and my 2-wheeler is missing. I don't know how the fuck it happened. I didn't hear or see a thing. I mean, usually if your tailgate isn't secured properly, the door's going to be flapping around like crazy, making all kinds of noise. So, I'm standing there, trying to think "What happened, and what do I do now?" First thing I did was call it in, and told them I was going to backtrack and look for the fucking thing. See, my worst fear was to have the 2-wheeler come flying out the ass end, and hit someone's car, etc. So, I drove, in the dawn's early light, all the way back to Aurora, scanning the other direction of traffic, then all the way back again to Elgin. No sign of the 2-wheeler anywhere, and now two more hours out of my life.
At least there also didn't appear to be any traffic incidents involving a foreign object in the road.
So, I go back to Elgin, and I have to wait for another driver to bring me another 2-wheeler (the job is virtually impossible without it, although I did manage to hand-deliver everything except the flour, while I waited), another two-hour delay. By the time I got done in Elgin it's what, 10:00 or later, and now my time's running low. I called ahead to both the Rockford stores, found out what they needed to get by with, and delivered just that stuff. Even doing only that, the delays were enough to put me in violation by about 20 mins or so. Then I just had to start earlier (about 1:30am) on Wed. to deliver the bulk of the two Rockford stores, and get on the road to Dubuque by 5-5:30 or so, which I did. But then I only had till 3:30pm to get back to the base, which I also accomplished. See, I'm very good at planning, timing, etc. I know about how fast I can get the deliveries done, and so forth, but man, what a friggin' nightmare! Then I gotta explain to my boss what happened (I don't know myself), and he says he has to write me up for it. Whatever!
So, you try to ignore the fire in your back, and your legs. I always seem to get it in my right thigh on a longer trip. I just rub my thigh, and that usually helps, but sometimes it gets so bad I have to put my leg up on the dash, which is kinda dangerous, but, with the cruise control on, and hopefully not too much traffic (you watch closely for cops), I can stretch my leg for a few minutes anyway. The back thing, I dunno. Sometimes adjusting the seat can help. On occasion, I lean foreward onto the steering wheel, with my forearms resting on top of the wheel. That alleviates some of the stress on the back, at least temporarily, but you lose some control steering the truck. The lumbar ballons in the seat also can be helpful, but what happens is, you have them blown up all the way, and get used to them, and don't deflate 'em, so you just wind up riding like that the whole time, so they lose their impact as a help, ya know? I'm sure all you truckers out there have experience this stuff, so I'm not saying anything new here. I've even seen some guys put small pillows under their lower backs to help with lumbar support. It really doesn't work for me (I've tried it) 'cause I'm in and out of the truck so often.
Getting recognized for doing a good job is another thing that happens all too infrequently. I mean, my lead man will say "Hey good job," or "Keep up the good work," which is (makes jerking-off motion) ya know? I recently found out that they're now keeping track of our piece-count, in other words, how much we average delivering per hour. I was near the top with something like 130 pieces per hour. The standard is gonna be like 100 per hour. But there are variables to that. Some stores take longer just because how they're laid out, how far you have to walk, the way the damn trailer is loaded, etc. I try to be efficient without killing myself. Hurrying, to me, is just not worth it. That, more than anything causes mistakes, and mistakes can become accidents very quickly. On the other hand, I don't dick around, either. Some of these guys were at 30-40 pieces per hour, staying at the stores for 3 or 4 hours. Why? I want to get in and out of these places, and get my damn day over with. That's not totally unreasonable, is it?
More soon,
Steve
"Platoon"
Two-wheel hand dollys ("2 wheelers" for short), curb plate, strap for pizza boxes, ramp on trailer - all these things are necessary for me to do my job properly & efficiently. In addition, I use: gloves, knife for cutting thru shrinkwrap, and even a flashlight (for pre-trip inspection, and if the interior trailer lights aren't working). If any one of these items is missing or fucked-up, then it creates problems. And, I think you guys all know by now how much I HATE problems.
I'll give you a prime example, and why I call myself "King of the Freak Accident!" So, I'm finishing up the other night at one of the Aurora, IL stores, and I'm pretty frustrated; I've been rained on practically the whole time, I'm out there cursing & swearing, and I have an hour drive to Elgin in front of me. So, I finish up and get moving. I get to the Elgin store and, I'm not kidding, the tailgate is open, and my 2-wheeler is missing. I don't know how the fuck it happened. I didn't hear or see a thing. I mean, usually if your tailgate isn't secured properly, the door's going to be flapping around like crazy, making all kinds of noise. So, I'm standing there, trying to think "What happened, and what do I do now?" First thing I did was call it in, and told them I was going to backtrack and look for the fucking thing. See, my worst fear was to have the 2-wheeler come flying out the ass end, and hit someone's car, etc. So, I drove, in the dawn's early light, all the way back to Aurora, scanning the other direction of traffic, then all the way back again to Elgin. No sign of the 2-wheeler anywhere, and now two more hours out of my life.
At least there also didn't appear to be any traffic incidents involving a foreign object in the road.
So, I go back to Elgin, and I have to wait for another driver to bring me another 2-wheeler (the job is virtually impossible without it, although I did manage to hand-deliver everything except the flour, while I waited), another two-hour delay. By the time I got done in Elgin it's what, 10:00 or later, and now my time's running low. I called ahead to both the Rockford stores, found out what they needed to get by with, and delivered just that stuff. Even doing only that, the delays were enough to put me in violation by about 20 mins or so. Then I just had to start earlier (about 1:30am) on Wed. to deliver the bulk of the two Rockford stores, and get on the road to Dubuque by 5-5:30 or so, which I did. But then I only had till 3:30pm to get back to the base, which I also accomplished. See, I'm very good at planning, timing, etc. I know about how fast I can get the deliveries done, and so forth, but man, what a friggin' nightmare! Then I gotta explain to my boss what happened (I don't know myself), and he says he has to write me up for it. Whatever!
So, you try to ignore the fire in your back, and your legs. I always seem to get it in my right thigh on a longer trip. I just rub my thigh, and that usually helps, but sometimes it gets so bad I have to put my leg up on the dash, which is kinda dangerous, but, with the cruise control on, and hopefully not too much traffic (you watch closely for cops), I can stretch my leg for a few minutes anyway. The back thing, I dunno. Sometimes adjusting the seat can help. On occasion, I lean foreward onto the steering wheel, with my forearms resting on top of the wheel. That alleviates some of the stress on the back, at least temporarily, but you lose some control steering the truck. The lumbar ballons in the seat also can be helpful, but what happens is, you have them blown up all the way, and get used to them, and don't deflate 'em, so you just wind up riding like that the whole time, so they lose their impact as a help, ya know? I'm sure all you truckers out there have experience this stuff, so I'm not saying anything new here. I've even seen some guys put small pillows under their lower backs to help with lumbar support. It really doesn't work for me (I've tried it) 'cause I'm in and out of the truck so often.
Getting recognized for doing a good job is another thing that happens all too infrequently. I mean, my lead man will say "Hey good job," or "Keep up the good work," which is (makes jerking-off motion) ya know? I recently found out that they're now keeping track of our piece-count, in other words, how much we average delivering per hour. I was near the top with something like 130 pieces per hour. The standard is gonna be like 100 per hour. But there are variables to that. Some stores take longer just because how they're laid out, how far you have to walk, the way the damn trailer is loaded, etc. I try to be efficient without killing myself. Hurrying, to me, is just not worth it. That, more than anything causes mistakes, and mistakes can become accidents very quickly. On the other hand, I don't dick around, either. Some of these guys were at 30-40 pieces per hour, staying at the stores for 3 or 4 hours. Why? I want to get in and out of these places, and get my damn day over with. That's not totally unreasonable, is it?
More soon,
Steve
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Bodily Functions
"Isn't it funny how we say 'take a piss' and 'take a shit;' you don't take 'em, ya leave 'em!"
George Carlin
*NOTE: If you are squeamish, you might not want to read the following post :0)
So, we truck drivers are a nasty bunch, aren't we? I mean, carrying around our urine in empty
milk jugs (or other containers) is a disgusting habit. But it's necessary at times - I'm just speaking for myself, but I don't run into rest areas or truckstops "in synch" with my bladder, so
I go when I'm stopped, usually when I'm at a store. Sure, I'll use the store's restroom, if it's available. That's a big IF. Sometimes there's a bunch of crap (no pun intended) piled into the restroom (garbage cans, racks, etc.) or, if it's a long walk to the men's room, I'll just break out the ol' milk jug. You get a little paranoid, because there's invariably people walking or driving past. I always say "You vants to see me pecker?" Yeah, I'm a little strange. Before I became
familiar with using the milk jugs, I'd just go in my empty coffee thermos, pour it out onto the grass, and just make sure I rinsed it out real good before putting more coffee in there. Who wants salty coffee? Shit, I've even gone while in motion: it's tricky; you have to lower the seat down all the way, undo yer zipper, whip it out, kinda stand up, then position the container under your Johnson, all while keeping the truck between the lines. I don't recommend doing it, but if your on a tight schedule and can't/don't wanna stop, it can be done! I don't think you can do it with your seatbelt on, so the times I've done it have been middle of the night, when there's hardly any traffic.
Urinating outdoors is a wonderful thing. There's the freedom of having your willie out in the fresh air (ahh!), and the thrill and excitement of doing something naughty, which you could get in trouble for, if you're caught. Usually, when I do it, it's pitch dark, and I go behind a dumpster.
It's smelly back there anyway, so what's the diff? I know you lady drivers can't really do it, and there's a whole different set of rules when it comes to women drivers, so I won't comment on that. All I know is, the milk jug is "the way" when it comes to me, as a guy, out there on the road. Look in any truckstop garbage can, and you'll probably see a container full of yellow liquid. Hint: it ain't apple juice! I've heard all kinds of stories about drivers and their filled jugs - one guy in IA was tossing his over a fence, right into someone's back yard - I heard this on the radio about a year ago, and laughed my ass off when I heard it. Drivers can be inconsiderate when it comes to disposing of their jugs, even at my company. My boss has told me that, on more than one occasion, he's had to throw out jugs of piss left by dumbass, selfish drivers. Geez! I mean, I've said before, I'm not the cleanest guy in the world, but I'll at least police up my own garbage and toss it out at the end of my run.
Now we come to #2. Yeah, it's a topic (again, paraphrasing George Carlin:) everybody does, but nobody wants to talk about. Look, we're all human beings, and our bodies all work pretty much the same way. The differences are basically in the intensity. So, whether you're in a line of stalls
at the truckstop, or all alone in the wide-open store in the middle of the night, "when ya gotta go, ya gotta go!" Yeah, I've heard the most outrageous sounding passing of gas (I always make
the "oooh, me likey" face, then try to stop myself from busting out laughing - told ya I was sick!)
Well, here's my worst exploding-bowel story: I'm sitting at the truckstop in Dubuque. I don't remember what the fuck I had to eat, but it sure as hell didn't agree with me. So, it's about 10 at night, and my gut is just on fire! I wake up, look outside, and, sure as shit, it's raining cats and dogs. I know something bad is gonna happen soon. I usually have some Pepto-Bismol with me, and that generally will settle me down, but not on this night. So, thinking quickly, I grab my knife, cut the top off the milk jug, squat over it, and let 'er rip! Had plenty of TP, as I mentioned before (I just steal a roll from the stores). But, and this is the disgusting part, I just left the container in the cab overnight, drew the curtains, and went back to sleep. I figured, "Shit, I'm the only one that has to smell it, and I'll have plenty of time to air out the cab tomorrow."
Anyway, my problem lately is actually the opposite: my body kind of "locks up," so I can't go,
and I'm bound-up for a couple of days till I get home, then (ahhh!) it's like my whole body just relaxes, and I'm on the pot for a half hour. I compare it to a fist: it's clenched-up during the week, then unclenches when the stress is taken away. I know it's purely psychological, although the wife has recommended I use her all-natural laxative (maybe I'll try it). So, are you thoroughly disgusted yet? Anyway, that's it, not too painful, right?
More soon,
Steve
George Carlin
*NOTE: If you are squeamish, you might not want to read the following post :0)
So, we truck drivers are a nasty bunch, aren't we? I mean, carrying around our urine in empty
milk jugs (or other containers) is a disgusting habit. But it's necessary at times - I'm just speaking for myself, but I don't run into rest areas or truckstops "in synch" with my bladder, so
I go when I'm stopped, usually when I'm at a store. Sure, I'll use the store's restroom, if it's available. That's a big IF. Sometimes there's a bunch of crap (no pun intended) piled into the restroom (garbage cans, racks, etc.) or, if it's a long walk to the men's room, I'll just break out the ol' milk jug. You get a little paranoid, because there's invariably people walking or driving past. I always say "You vants to see me pecker?" Yeah, I'm a little strange. Before I became
familiar with using the milk jugs, I'd just go in my empty coffee thermos, pour it out onto the grass, and just make sure I rinsed it out real good before putting more coffee in there. Who wants salty coffee? Shit, I've even gone while in motion: it's tricky; you have to lower the seat down all the way, undo yer zipper, whip it out, kinda stand up, then position the container under your Johnson, all while keeping the truck between the lines. I don't recommend doing it, but if your on a tight schedule and can't/don't wanna stop, it can be done! I don't think you can do it with your seatbelt on, so the times I've done it have been middle of the night, when there's hardly any traffic.
Urinating outdoors is a wonderful thing. There's the freedom of having your willie out in the fresh air (ahh!), and the thrill and excitement of doing something naughty, which you could get in trouble for, if you're caught. Usually, when I do it, it's pitch dark, and I go behind a dumpster.
It's smelly back there anyway, so what's the diff? I know you lady drivers can't really do it, and there's a whole different set of rules when it comes to women drivers, so I won't comment on that. All I know is, the milk jug is "the way" when it comes to me, as a guy, out there on the road. Look in any truckstop garbage can, and you'll probably see a container full of yellow liquid. Hint: it ain't apple juice! I've heard all kinds of stories about drivers and their filled jugs - one guy in IA was tossing his over a fence, right into someone's back yard - I heard this on the radio about a year ago, and laughed my ass off when I heard it. Drivers can be inconsiderate when it comes to disposing of their jugs, even at my company. My boss has told me that, on more than one occasion, he's had to throw out jugs of piss left by dumbass, selfish drivers. Geez! I mean, I've said before, I'm not the cleanest guy in the world, but I'll at least police up my own garbage and toss it out at the end of my run.
Now we come to #2. Yeah, it's a topic (again, paraphrasing George Carlin:) everybody does, but nobody wants to talk about. Look, we're all human beings, and our bodies all work pretty much the same way. The differences are basically in the intensity. So, whether you're in a line of stalls
at the truckstop, or all alone in the wide-open store in the middle of the night, "when ya gotta go, ya gotta go!" Yeah, I've heard the most outrageous sounding passing of gas (I always make
the "oooh, me likey" face, then try to stop myself from busting out laughing - told ya I was sick!)
Well, here's my worst exploding-bowel story: I'm sitting at the truckstop in Dubuque. I don't remember what the fuck I had to eat, but it sure as hell didn't agree with me. So, it's about 10 at night, and my gut is just on fire! I wake up, look outside, and, sure as shit, it's raining cats and dogs. I know something bad is gonna happen soon. I usually have some Pepto-Bismol with me, and that generally will settle me down, but not on this night. So, thinking quickly, I grab my knife, cut the top off the milk jug, squat over it, and let 'er rip! Had plenty of TP, as I mentioned before (I just steal a roll from the stores). But, and this is the disgusting part, I just left the container in the cab overnight, drew the curtains, and went back to sleep. I figured, "Shit, I'm the only one that has to smell it, and I'll have plenty of time to air out the cab tomorrow."
Anyway, my problem lately is actually the opposite: my body kind of "locks up," so I can't go,
and I'm bound-up for a couple of days till I get home, then (ahhh!) it's like my whole body just relaxes, and I'm on the pot for a half hour. I compare it to a fist: it's clenched-up during the week, then unclenches when the stress is taken away. I know it's purely psychological, although the wife has recommended I use her all-natural laxative (maybe I'll try it). So, are you thoroughly disgusted yet? Anyway, that's it, not too painful, right?
More soon,
Steve
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Cheeseland
"I'm going to Cheeseland, Cheeseland, the
Dells and Door County..." parody of "Graceland" by Paul Simon, dunno who sang it (sorry)
So, what can I say about our hefty neighbors to the north? I mean, besides the fact that they talk funny? Well, they do make fine dairy products, beer, and bratwurst up there. See, I'm starting off nice! Anyway, I've been going up there for basically as long as I can remember, sometimes to deliver, almost always to pick up (you guessed it!) CHEESE! We pick up all our mozzarella from a little dairy in the central part of the state (can't say which) - most of it is for
our own distribution center, but not all. Some truckloads get shipped off to Ohio, Georgia and other states. There must be other cheese suppliers for our company, but I don't know who/where they are. But again, it's the whole thing with the backhauls; cleaning out the trailers,
pre-cooling in the summer time, etc. The nice thing is that they're open good and early (5:00am I think) so you can get your last delivery off, and go right over there - kind of a pain to get to -
still, sometimes you have guys in there before you & have to wait, it's all part of the job. They load you up w/20 pallets usually on a 45foot trailer, and yer off! Of course you have to scale, 'cause it's about 38, 39K they put on, but they have one right there that you can use for free - you gotta scale each axle, the subtract the weight, etc., but it beats paying the $10, & $11 at a truckstop. I mean, the only weigh station you worry about is the Racine scale, which is not always open, but better safe than sorry. I always used the "7-hole" rule that I spoke of earlier, and I would slide the tandems before I got loaded, and damn if it didn't scale out perfect every time. That's on a 45 footer, 48's might be different, but not too much.
I haven't had to go pick up mozzarella on my current route, thank God! But there's other chit, like frozen thin crusts in Green Bay and parmesan in Plymouth. Oh, joy! I guess it's not too bad - both those place are real efficient, so you can get in & out relatively quickly, so I can't bitch too much. Yeah, so I'm coming south the other day, just having done my pickup in Green Bay, and lo and behold, I come up to the scales at Manitowoc. No problem, 7:00 am almost always closed, right? Not today. So, I roll in, turn off lights, roll down windows, roll onto the scale. I know I'm not heavy, 'cause I got 8 pallets at just over 10k. But the guy says "OK, pull around for a routine inspection." I'm like wtf! So, I bring all my paperwork in, everything was fine, just a routine check. The trooper was the nicest guy, so it was just the incovenience of having to stop. I have never been stopped before, so I was shitting my pants there for a minute. Now with the big inspections coming up (6/5 - 6/7) I can understand. Shit, I'd rather be certified legal than have to dick around with getting red flagged or something, ya know? I'm actually surprised the guy didn't inspect my brakes. Anyway, 15 minutes later I was rolling again, so no biggie.
Look, I rail against the Cheese-dicks and YaHeyDer and the ultra-Germanics of WI, but I really got no problem with any one person or place. I mean, I lived in Sheboygan for a year and a half.
It was an experiment that failed miserably, but it wasn't anyone's fault, except maybe mine & my wife's. Our daughter was like 1 1/2, and the place we were living was becoming more and more "dangerous" (you notice these things when you have kids). So, my old man lived up in Sheboygan, a wholesome-enough place, so we took the plunge. Well, it was a nightmare from the start. I couldn't find work, at least nothing in the "white-collar" area, where I was used to being at the time. The employment office said that 42% of all jobs in the area were in manufacturing.
That's quite a bit! So, I found a customer service job at a furniture manufacturer; that whole
period of time was a friggin' nightmare. It was winter, I had the car, so my wife and baby daughter were stuck in the house. Plus, as the downstairs tenants, we were responsible for shoveling the snow, mowing the lawn, etc. WTF! The idiots upstairs didn't have to do a damn thing. Well, I got fired from the furniture place after 3 or 4 months; I just didn't get all the engineering bullshit they made us learn. But, looking back, that's ok. I found a job at a window-screen company, where I was "working", ya know; simple pretty mindless stuff, which was fine.
Then, I come home one day, and the wife's gone, she took the kid & moved back to Chicago without warning (that's a book by itself). She left me the dog to take care of though, geesh!
Anyhow, 6 months later, we reconciled, I moved back to Chicago, and the "experiment" was over. Our biggest complaints was that the things we were used to (24 hr. grocery store, for example) they just didn't have up there. It seemed everything closed by like 6 or 7pm, and nothing was open on Sundays, except the churches of course. The weather was kinda cold there, too, 'cause that part of WI juts out into Lake Michigan (check yer atlas) so the cool lake breezes come in and freeze ya!
But it's done; now it's just a drive-by. I had a couple friends I stayed in touch with, but eventually, well, you know. So, now I'm just up there part of Thurs. and Fri. - everything has gone fairly smoothly, maybe except for the weather, but that's coming around, too. I really can't complain too much. Just glad I'm not in Michigan. Anyway, the talk of keeping me out in IA for three days, with one overnight in Chicago (my previous schedule) has become more serious, so it appears I won't be long for America's Dairyland.
More soon,
Steve
P.S. All you drivers watch out for the roadside inspections (see above) 'cause I'm "crappin' you negative"
Dells and Door County..." parody of "Graceland" by Paul Simon, dunno who sang it (sorry)
So, what can I say about our hefty neighbors to the north? I mean, besides the fact that they talk funny? Well, they do make fine dairy products, beer, and bratwurst up there. See, I'm starting off nice! Anyway, I've been going up there for basically as long as I can remember, sometimes to deliver, almost always to pick up (you guessed it!) CHEESE! We pick up all our mozzarella from a little dairy in the central part of the state (can't say which) - most of it is for
our own distribution center, but not all. Some truckloads get shipped off to Ohio, Georgia and other states. There must be other cheese suppliers for our company, but I don't know who/where they are. But again, it's the whole thing with the backhauls; cleaning out the trailers,
pre-cooling in the summer time, etc. The nice thing is that they're open good and early (5:00am I think) so you can get your last delivery off, and go right over there - kind of a pain to get to -
still, sometimes you have guys in there before you & have to wait, it's all part of the job. They load you up w/20 pallets usually on a 45foot trailer, and yer off! Of course you have to scale, 'cause it's about 38, 39K they put on, but they have one right there that you can use for free - you gotta scale each axle, the subtract the weight, etc., but it beats paying the $10, & $11 at a truckstop. I mean, the only weigh station you worry about is the Racine scale, which is not always open, but better safe than sorry. I always used the "7-hole" rule that I spoke of earlier, and I would slide the tandems before I got loaded, and damn if it didn't scale out perfect every time. That's on a 45 footer, 48's might be different, but not too much.
I haven't had to go pick up mozzarella on my current route, thank God! But there's other chit, like frozen thin crusts in Green Bay and parmesan in Plymouth. Oh, joy! I guess it's not too bad - both those place are real efficient, so you can get in & out relatively quickly, so I can't bitch too much. Yeah, so I'm coming south the other day, just having done my pickup in Green Bay, and lo and behold, I come up to the scales at Manitowoc. No problem, 7:00 am almost always closed, right? Not today. So, I roll in, turn off lights, roll down windows, roll onto the scale. I know I'm not heavy, 'cause I got 8 pallets at just over 10k. But the guy says "OK, pull around for a routine inspection." I'm like wtf! So, I bring all my paperwork in, everything was fine, just a routine check. The trooper was the nicest guy, so it was just the incovenience of having to stop. I have never been stopped before, so I was shitting my pants there for a minute. Now with the big inspections coming up (6/5 - 6/7) I can understand. Shit, I'd rather be certified legal than have to dick around with getting red flagged or something, ya know? I'm actually surprised the guy didn't inspect my brakes. Anyway, 15 minutes later I was rolling again, so no biggie.
Look, I rail against the Cheese-dicks and YaHeyDer and the ultra-Germanics of WI, but I really got no problem with any one person or place. I mean, I lived in Sheboygan for a year and a half.
It was an experiment that failed miserably, but it wasn't anyone's fault, except maybe mine & my wife's. Our daughter was like 1 1/2, and the place we were living was becoming more and more "dangerous" (you notice these things when you have kids). So, my old man lived up in Sheboygan, a wholesome-enough place, so we took the plunge. Well, it was a nightmare from the start. I couldn't find work, at least nothing in the "white-collar" area, where I was used to being at the time. The employment office said that 42% of all jobs in the area were in manufacturing.
That's quite a bit! So, I found a customer service job at a furniture manufacturer; that whole
period of time was a friggin' nightmare. It was winter, I had the car, so my wife and baby daughter were stuck in the house. Plus, as the downstairs tenants, we were responsible for shoveling the snow, mowing the lawn, etc. WTF! The idiots upstairs didn't have to do a damn thing. Well, I got fired from the furniture place after 3 or 4 months; I just didn't get all the engineering bullshit they made us learn. But, looking back, that's ok. I found a job at a window-screen company, where I was "working", ya know; simple pretty mindless stuff, which was fine.
Then, I come home one day, and the wife's gone, she took the kid & moved back to Chicago without warning (that's a book by itself). She left me the dog to take care of though, geesh!
Anyhow, 6 months later, we reconciled, I moved back to Chicago, and the "experiment" was over. Our biggest complaints was that the things we were used to (24 hr. grocery store, for example) they just didn't have up there. It seemed everything closed by like 6 or 7pm, and nothing was open on Sundays, except the churches of course. The weather was kinda cold there, too, 'cause that part of WI juts out into Lake Michigan (check yer atlas) so the cool lake breezes come in and freeze ya!
But it's done; now it's just a drive-by. I had a couple friends I stayed in touch with, but eventually, well, you know. So, now I'm just up there part of Thurs. and Fri. - everything has gone fairly smoothly, maybe except for the weather, but that's coming around, too. I really can't complain too much. Just glad I'm not in Michigan. Anyway, the talk of keeping me out in IA for three days, with one overnight in Chicago (my previous schedule) has become more serious, so it appears I won't be long for America's Dairyland.
More soon,
Steve
P.S. All you drivers watch out for the roadside inspections (see above) 'cause I'm "crappin' you negative"
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Truckstops
"I gotta find a hole, in more ways than one..." me
Our home away from home, the fabulous truckstop. Oh, yes! Well, not being a true OTR trucker, I'm not as familiar with them as most of y'all, but I'll give you my impressions anyway.
We have the "Big 4," as I call them; you know them, right? Petro, Pilot, TA, and Flying J. I have my personal faves, for different reasons. Some I like because of the food, some because of the easy-ness of fueling, etc. I'm the kind of driver who likes the larger ones, with 24hr services. These little "hole-in-the-wall" places that shut down at 10pm, and open again at 5am are for the birds. I mean, sometimes you have to stop there, either because you're low on hours, nothing else around, breakdown, etc. But since I start at 2:00 in the morning sometimes, I need to have
a store where I can get coffee, cigs, etc. in the "middle of the night." I used to love to go to the World's Largest (debateable) Truckstop in Walcott, IA, usually on my way back from Des Moines. They have an incredible gift shop, and they added on this section with a truck showroom, with life-sized models of the more popular trucks, all shiny and chromed-out. Pretty
cool.
Then you have the "2nd tier" level of truckstops, not as many, but some still pretty big. Loves, Williams, AM Best, Sapp Bros., et al. Some of the larger gasoline chains have them as well: Citgo, BP, Mobil - I see a lot of these in WI, outside the larger cities. But again, ya gotta worry about the hours they're open. And many times, the only food they have is fast-food, chains that are
right there in the truckstop (Pilot/Arby's comes to mind). Some you can't even get hot food at, you have to do the old "chips and soda" routine, which gets old pretty fast. I dunno, after a hard day's work, I like the idea of being able to go in, sit down at a restaurant, and be served a hot meal (preferably by a hot waitress - those are few and far-between). Call me crazy, but that's my preference. Then, I'll go into the shop and buy a bunch of desserty kind of junk food for later. See, once I go back to the truck, I'm pretty much done. Once I take my workboots off, I really don't want to have to put them back on again. Sometimes I have to, like when the reefer's fucking up, or another driver's meeting me to bring/take something. I bought a pair of shower shoes (flip-flops) a long time ago, so sometimes I'll throw them on if I have to walk back into the truckstop to take a dump or whatever.
Rest stops are popular with some guys, I dunno why. Again, I thinks it's probably out of necesssity rather than anything else. I've often cruised by them at 4 or 5am, and they're totally packed. The "Oasis" system on the Illinois tollroads are kinda like "mini-truckstops," only the parking is very limited, and those poor bastards that don't get a spot have to park on the shoulders and walk. The ones I can't figure out for the life of me are the drivers who park on offramps and onramps. Nothing else around, out in the middle of nowhere. I guess if you have the shits in the middle of the night, you have to go in the bushes. Not my idea of a good time, although I do carry a roll of toilet paper with me just in case of such an emergency. I'll talk more about "Bodily Functions" in an upcoming post. But again, no hot coffee in the "wee hours" is my biggest reason for not parking on shoulders or rest stops (unless you enjoy vending machine coffee - blecchhh!).
I think all you non-truck drivers should experience a truckstop at least once in your lifetimes,
to see how "the other half" lives. And believe me, they are the "other half." I mean, c'mon people! Let's not perpetuate the stereotype of truckers as inbred, toothless, tobacco-spitting
morons. But I'll bet money if you non-truckers go to one, you'll see exactly that. Look, I ain't the cleanest, best smelling guy in the world, but at least I believe in getting a haircut once in a while, and I "own a comb." (tip of the hat to Chris Farley). Some truckstops are more "family-friendly" than others (I won't say which), and some truckers resent that. I mean, it's understandable - who wants to hear a baby crying when you're trying to enjoy your meal after a particularly grueling day? Not me, although it really doesn't bother me all that much. Shit, I only stay at them a couple nights a week, so standing behind the old foagies that can't make up their minds as to what they want to eat ain't that big of a deal. Sure, I get impatient, but not enough to say anything.
The best resource for a truck driver is the truckstop directory. I mean, you can "wing it" and hope you find one along the way. When I first started out with Werner, they told you which truckstops you had to go to, so there really wasn't much choice (wtf?). But that little book has saved my ass on more than one occasion. I remember going up to the UP of Michigan, and there
might be 2 truckstops up there. But I found one - it wasn't the greatest, but...See, that's one of my biggest concerns; being out there and not having a safe place to shut down. Next to getting lost, it's probably my biggest fear. You know, just roaming around, looking for a place, while your hours dwindle down. Not a pleasant thought, is it? Shit, for $10 you can at least have a little sense of security. It's the same with a trucker's atlas; I don't know why anyone who considers themselves a professional truck driver would NOT have a trucker's atlas. It's the best source of info. you could possibly want. Yes, they are expensive, but how much $ is "peace of mind" worth? Think about it.
More soon,
Steve
Our home away from home, the fabulous truckstop. Oh, yes! Well, not being a true OTR trucker, I'm not as familiar with them as most of y'all, but I'll give you my impressions anyway.
We have the "Big 4," as I call them; you know them, right? Petro, Pilot, TA, and Flying J. I have my personal faves, for different reasons. Some I like because of the food, some because of the easy-ness of fueling, etc. I'm the kind of driver who likes the larger ones, with 24hr services. These little "hole-in-the-wall" places that shut down at 10pm, and open again at 5am are for the birds. I mean, sometimes you have to stop there, either because you're low on hours, nothing else around, breakdown, etc. But since I start at 2:00 in the morning sometimes, I need to have
a store where I can get coffee, cigs, etc. in the "middle of the night." I used to love to go to the World's Largest (debateable) Truckstop in Walcott, IA, usually on my way back from Des Moines. They have an incredible gift shop, and they added on this section with a truck showroom, with life-sized models of the more popular trucks, all shiny and chromed-out. Pretty
cool.
Then you have the "2nd tier" level of truckstops, not as many, but some still pretty big. Loves, Williams, AM Best, Sapp Bros., et al. Some of the larger gasoline chains have them as well: Citgo, BP, Mobil - I see a lot of these in WI, outside the larger cities. But again, ya gotta worry about the hours they're open. And many times, the only food they have is fast-food, chains that are
right there in the truckstop (Pilot/Arby's comes to mind). Some you can't even get hot food at, you have to do the old "chips and soda" routine, which gets old pretty fast. I dunno, after a hard day's work, I like the idea of being able to go in, sit down at a restaurant, and be served a hot meal (preferably by a hot waitress - those are few and far-between). Call me crazy, but that's my preference. Then, I'll go into the shop and buy a bunch of desserty kind of junk food for later. See, once I go back to the truck, I'm pretty much done. Once I take my workboots off, I really don't want to have to put them back on again. Sometimes I have to, like when the reefer's fucking up, or another driver's meeting me to bring/take something. I bought a pair of shower shoes (flip-flops) a long time ago, so sometimes I'll throw them on if I have to walk back into the truckstop to take a dump or whatever.
Rest stops are popular with some guys, I dunno why. Again, I thinks it's probably out of necesssity rather than anything else. I've often cruised by them at 4 or 5am, and they're totally packed. The "Oasis" system on the Illinois tollroads are kinda like "mini-truckstops," only the parking is very limited, and those poor bastards that don't get a spot have to park on the shoulders and walk. The ones I can't figure out for the life of me are the drivers who park on offramps and onramps. Nothing else around, out in the middle of nowhere. I guess if you have the shits in the middle of the night, you have to go in the bushes. Not my idea of a good time, although I do carry a roll of toilet paper with me just in case of such an emergency. I'll talk more about "Bodily Functions" in an upcoming post. But again, no hot coffee in the "wee hours" is my biggest reason for not parking on shoulders or rest stops (unless you enjoy vending machine coffee - blecchhh!).
I think all you non-truck drivers should experience a truckstop at least once in your lifetimes,
to see how "the other half" lives. And believe me, they are the "other half." I mean, c'mon people! Let's not perpetuate the stereotype of truckers as inbred, toothless, tobacco-spitting
morons. But I'll bet money if you non-truckers go to one, you'll see exactly that. Look, I ain't the cleanest, best smelling guy in the world, but at least I believe in getting a haircut once in a while, and I "own a comb." (tip of the hat to Chris Farley). Some truckstops are more "family-friendly" than others (I won't say which), and some truckers resent that. I mean, it's understandable - who wants to hear a baby crying when you're trying to enjoy your meal after a particularly grueling day? Not me, although it really doesn't bother me all that much. Shit, I only stay at them a couple nights a week, so standing behind the old foagies that can't make up their minds as to what they want to eat ain't that big of a deal. Sure, I get impatient, but not enough to say anything.
The best resource for a truck driver is the truckstop directory. I mean, you can "wing it" and hope you find one along the way. When I first started out with Werner, they told you which truckstops you had to go to, so there really wasn't much choice (wtf?). But that little book has saved my ass on more than one occasion. I remember going up to the UP of Michigan, and there
might be 2 truckstops up there. But I found one - it wasn't the greatest, but...See, that's one of my biggest concerns; being out there and not having a safe place to shut down. Next to getting lost, it's probably my biggest fear. You know, just roaming around, looking for a place, while your hours dwindle down. Not a pleasant thought, is it? Shit, for $10 you can at least have a little sense of security. It's the same with a trucker's atlas; I don't know why anyone who considers themselves a professional truck driver would NOT have a trucker's atlas. It's the best source of info. you could possibly want. Yes, they are expensive, but how much $ is "peace of mind" worth? Think about it.
More soon,
Steve
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