Monday, June 18, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
Tidbits, #4
"Keep your pecker hard and your powder dry, and the world will turn..." From the movie
"Platoon"
Two-wheel hand dollys ("2 wheelers" for short), curb plate, strap for pizza boxes, ramp on trailer - all these things are necessary for me to do my job properly & efficiently. In addition, I use: gloves, knife for cutting thru shrinkwrap, and even a flashlight (for pre-trip inspection, and if the interior trailer lights aren't working). If any one of these items is missing or fucked-up, then it creates problems. And, I think you guys all know by now how much I HATE problems.
I'll give you a prime example, and why I call myself "King of the Freak Accident!" So, I'm finishing up the other night at one of the Aurora, IL stores, and I'm pretty frustrated; I've been rained on practically the whole time, I'm out there cursing & swearing, and I have an hour drive to Elgin in front of me. So, I finish up and get moving. I get to the Elgin store and, I'm not kidding, the tailgate is open, and my 2-wheeler is missing. I don't know how the fuck it happened. I didn't hear or see a thing. I mean, usually if your tailgate isn't secured properly, the door's going to be flapping around like crazy, making all kinds of noise. So, I'm standing there, trying to think "What happened, and what do I do now?" First thing I did was call it in, and told them I was going to backtrack and look for the fucking thing. See, my worst fear was to have the 2-wheeler come flying out the ass end, and hit someone's car, etc. So, I drove, in the dawn's early light, all the way back to Aurora, scanning the other direction of traffic, then all the way back again to Elgin. No sign of the 2-wheeler anywhere, and now two more hours out of my life.
At least there also didn't appear to be any traffic incidents involving a foreign object in the road.
So, I go back to Elgin, and I have to wait for another driver to bring me another 2-wheeler (the job is virtually impossible without it, although I did manage to hand-deliver everything except the flour, while I waited), another two-hour delay. By the time I got done in Elgin it's what, 10:00 or later, and now my time's running low. I called ahead to both the Rockford stores, found out what they needed to get by with, and delivered just that stuff. Even doing only that, the delays were enough to put me in violation by about 20 mins or so. Then I just had to start earlier (about 1:30am) on Wed. to deliver the bulk of the two Rockford stores, and get on the road to Dubuque by 5-5:30 or so, which I did. But then I only had till 3:30pm to get back to the base, which I also accomplished. See, I'm very good at planning, timing, etc. I know about how fast I can get the deliveries done, and so forth, but man, what a friggin' nightmare! Then I gotta explain to my boss what happened (I don't know myself), and he says he has to write me up for it. Whatever!
So, you try to ignore the fire in your back, and your legs. I always seem to get it in my right thigh on a longer trip. I just rub my thigh, and that usually helps, but sometimes it gets so bad I have to put my leg up on the dash, which is kinda dangerous, but, with the cruise control on, and hopefully not too much traffic (you watch closely for cops), I can stretch my leg for a few minutes anyway. The back thing, I dunno. Sometimes adjusting the seat can help. On occasion, I lean foreward onto the steering wheel, with my forearms resting on top of the wheel. That alleviates some of the stress on the back, at least temporarily, but you lose some control steering the truck. The lumbar ballons in the seat also can be helpful, but what happens is, you have them blown up all the way, and get used to them, and don't deflate 'em, so you just wind up riding like that the whole time, so they lose their impact as a help, ya know? I'm sure all you truckers out there have experience this stuff, so I'm not saying anything new here. I've even seen some guys put small pillows under their lower backs to help with lumbar support. It really doesn't work for me (I've tried it) 'cause I'm in and out of the truck so often.
Getting recognized for doing a good job is another thing that happens all too infrequently. I mean, my lead man will say "Hey good job," or "Keep up the good work," which is (makes jerking-off motion) ya know? I recently found out that they're now keeping track of our piece-count, in other words, how much we average delivering per hour. I was near the top with something like 130 pieces per hour. The standard is gonna be like 100 per hour. But there are variables to that. Some stores take longer just because how they're laid out, how far you have to walk, the way the damn trailer is loaded, etc. I try to be efficient without killing myself. Hurrying, to me, is just not worth it. That, more than anything causes mistakes, and mistakes can become accidents very quickly. On the other hand, I don't dick around, either. Some of these guys were at 30-40 pieces per hour, staying at the stores for 3 or 4 hours. Why? I want to get in and out of these places, and get my damn day over with. That's not totally unreasonable, is it?
More soon,
Steve
"Platoon"
Two-wheel hand dollys ("2 wheelers" for short), curb plate, strap for pizza boxes, ramp on trailer - all these things are necessary for me to do my job properly & efficiently. In addition, I use: gloves, knife for cutting thru shrinkwrap, and even a flashlight (for pre-trip inspection, and if the interior trailer lights aren't working). If any one of these items is missing or fucked-up, then it creates problems. And, I think you guys all know by now how much I HATE problems.
I'll give you a prime example, and why I call myself "King of the Freak Accident!" So, I'm finishing up the other night at one of the Aurora, IL stores, and I'm pretty frustrated; I've been rained on practically the whole time, I'm out there cursing & swearing, and I have an hour drive to Elgin in front of me. So, I finish up and get moving. I get to the Elgin store and, I'm not kidding, the tailgate is open, and my 2-wheeler is missing. I don't know how the fuck it happened. I didn't hear or see a thing. I mean, usually if your tailgate isn't secured properly, the door's going to be flapping around like crazy, making all kinds of noise. So, I'm standing there, trying to think "What happened, and what do I do now?" First thing I did was call it in, and told them I was going to backtrack and look for the fucking thing. See, my worst fear was to have the 2-wheeler come flying out the ass end, and hit someone's car, etc. So, I drove, in the dawn's early light, all the way back to Aurora, scanning the other direction of traffic, then all the way back again to Elgin. No sign of the 2-wheeler anywhere, and now two more hours out of my life.
At least there also didn't appear to be any traffic incidents involving a foreign object in the road.
So, I go back to Elgin, and I have to wait for another driver to bring me another 2-wheeler (the job is virtually impossible without it, although I did manage to hand-deliver everything except the flour, while I waited), another two-hour delay. By the time I got done in Elgin it's what, 10:00 or later, and now my time's running low. I called ahead to both the Rockford stores, found out what they needed to get by with, and delivered just that stuff. Even doing only that, the delays were enough to put me in violation by about 20 mins or so. Then I just had to start earlier (about 1:30am) on Wed. to deliver the bulk of the two Rockford stores, and get on the road to Dubuque by 5-5:30 or so, which I did. But then I only had till 3:30pm to get back to the base, which I also accomplished. See, I'm very good at planning, timing, etc. I know about how fast I can get the deliveries done, and so forth, but man, what a friggin' nightmare! Then I gotta explain to my boss what happened (I don't know myself), and he says he has to write me up for it. Whatever!
So, you try to ignore the fire in your back, and your legs. I always seem to get it in my right thigh on a longer trip. I just rub my thigh, and that usually helps, but sometimes it gets so bad I have to put my leg up on the dash, which is kinda dangerous, but, with the cruise control on, and hopefully not too much traffic (you watch closely for cops), I can stretch my leg for a few minutes anyway. The back thing, I dunno. Sometimes adjusting the seat can help. On occasion, I lean foreward onto the steering wheel, with my forearms resting on top of the wheel. That alleviates some of the stress on the back, at least temporarily, but you lose some control steering the truck. The lumbar ballons in the seat also can be helpful, but what happens is, you have them blown up all the way, and get used to them, and don't deflate 'em, so you just wind up riding like that the whole time, so they lose their impact as a help, ya know? I'm sure all you truckers out there have experience this stuff, so I'm not saying anything new here. I've even seen some guys put small pillows under their lower backs to help with lumbar support. It really doesn't work for me (I've tried it) 'cause I'm in and out of the truck so often.
Getting recognized for doing a good job is another thing that happens all too infrequently. I mean, my lead man will say "Hey good job," or "Keep up the good work," which is (makes jerking-off motion) ya know? I recently found out that they're now keeping track of our piece-count, in other words, how much we average delivering per hour. I was near the top with something like 130 pieces per hour. The standard is gonna be like 100 per hour. But there are variables to that. Some stores take longer just because how they're laid out, how far you have to walk, the way the damn trailer is loaded, etc. I try to be efficient without killing myself. Hurrying, to me, is just not worth it. That, more than anything causes mistakes, and mistakes can become accidents very quickly. On the other hand, I don't dick around, either. Some of these guys were at 30-40 pieces per hour, staying at the stores for 3 or 4 hours. Why? I want to get in and out of these places, and get my damn day over with. That's not totally unreasonable, is it?
More soon,
Steve
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Bodily Functions
"Isn't it funny how we say 'take a piss' and 'take a shit;' you don't take 'em, ya leave 'em!"
George Carlin
*NOTE: If you are squeamish, you might not want to read the following post :0)
So, we truck drivers are a nasty bunch, aren't we? I mean, carrying around our urine in empty
milk jugs (or other containers) is a disgusting habit. But it's necessary at times - I'm just speaking for myself, but I don't run into rest areas or truckstops "in synch" with my bladder, so
I go when I'm stopped, usually when I'm at a store. Sure, I'll use the store's restroom, if it's available. That's a big IF. Sometimes there's a bunch of crap (no pun intended) piled into the restroom (garbage cans, racks, etc.) or, if it's a long walk to the men's room, I'll just break out the ol' milk jug. You get a little paranoid, because there's invariably people walking or driving past. I always say "You vants to see me pecker?" Yeah, I'm a little strange. Before I became
familiar with using the milk jugs, I'd just go in my empty coffee thermos, pour it out onto the grass, and just make sure I rinsed it out real good before putting more coffee in there. Who wants salty coffee? Shit, I've even gone while in motion: it's tricky; you have to lower the seat down all the way, undo yer zipper, whip it out, kinda stand up, then position the container under your Johnson, all while keeping the truck between the lines. I don't recommend doing it, but if your on a tight schedule and can't/don't wanna stop, it can be done! I don't think you can do it with your seatbelt on, so the times I've done it have been middle of the night, when there's hardly any traffic.
Urinating outdoors is a wonderful thing. There's the freedom of having your willie out in the fresh air (ahh!), and the thrill and excitement of doing something naughty, which you could get in trouble for, if you're caught. Usually, when I do it, it's pitch dark, and I go behind a dumpster.
It's smelly back there anyway, so what's the diff? I know you lady drivers can't really do it, and there's a whole different set of rules when it comes to women drivers, so I won't comment on that. All I know is, the milk jug is "the way" when it comes to me, as a guy, out there on the road. Look in any truckstop garbage can, and you'll probably see a container full of yellow liquid. Hint: it ain't apple juice! I've heard all kinds of stories about drivers and their filled jugs - one guy in IA was tossing his over a fence, right into someone's back yard - I heard this on the radio about a year ago, and laughed my ass off when I heard it. Drivers can be inconsiderate when it comes to disposing of their jugs, even at my company. My boss has told me that, on more than one occasion, he's had to throw out jugs of piss left by dumbass, selfish drivers. Geez! I mean, I've said before, I'm not the cleanest guy in the world, but I'll at least police up my own garbage and toss it out at the end of my run.
Now we come to #2. Yeah, it's a topic (again, paraphrasing George Carlin:) everybody does, but nobody wants to talk about. Look, we're all human beings, and our bodies all work pretty much the same way. The differences are basically in the intensity. So, whether you're in a line of stalls
at the truckstop, or all alone in the wide-open store in the middle of the night, "when ya gotta go, ya gotta go!" Yeah, I've heard the most outrageous sounding passing of gas (I always make
the "oooh, me likey" face, then try to stop myself from busting out laughing - told ya I was sick!)
Well, here's my worst exploding-bowel story: I'm sitting at the truckstop in Dubuque. I don't remember what the fuck I had to eat, but it sure as hell didn't agree with me. So, it's about 10 at night, and my gut is just on fire! I wake up, look outside, and, sure as shit, it's raining cats and dogs. I know something bad is gonna happen soon. I usually have some Pepto-Bismol with me, and that generally will settle me down, but not on this night. So, thinking quickly, I grab my knife, cut the top off the milk jug, squat over it, and let 'er rip! Had plenty of TP, as I mentioned before (I just steal a roll from the stores). But, and this is the disgusting part, I just left the container in the cab overnight, drew the curtains, and went back to sleep. I figured, "Shit, I'm the only one that has to smell it, and I'll have plenty of time to air out the cab tomorrow."
Anyway, my problem lately is actually the opposite: my body kind of "locks up," so I can't go,
and I'm bound-up for a couple of days till I get home, then (ahhh!) it's like my whole body just relaxes, and I'm on the pot for a half hour. I compare it to a fist: it's clenched-up during the week, then unclenches when the stress is taken away. I know it's purely psychological, although the wife has recommended I use her all-natural laxative (maybe I'll try it). So, are you thoroughly disgusted yet? Anyway, that's it, not too painful, right?
More soon,
Steve
George Carlin
*NOTE: If you are squeamish, you might not want to read the following post :0)
So, we truck drivers are a nasty bunch, aren't we? I mean, carrying around our urine in empty
milk jugs (or other containers) is a disgusting habit. But it's necessary at times - I'm just speaking for myself, but I don't run into rest areas or truckstops "in synch" with my bladder, so
I go when I'm stopped, usually when I'm at a store. Sure, I'll use the store's restroom, if it's available. That's a big IF. Sometimes there's a bunch of crap (no pun intended) piled into the restroom (garbage cans, racks, etc.) or, if it's a long walk to the men's room, I'll just break out the ol' milk jug. You get a little paranoid, because there's invariably people walking or driving past. I always say "You vants to see me pecker?" Yeah, I'm a little strange. Before I became
familiar with using the milk jugs, I'd just go in my empty coffee thermos, pour it out onto the grass, and just make sure I rinsed it out real good before putting more coffee in there. Who wants salty coffee? Shit, I've even gone while in motion: it's tricky; you have to lower the seat down all the way, undo yer zipper, whip it out, kinda stand up, then position the container under your Johnson, all while keeping the truck between the lines. I don't recommend doing it, but if your on a tight schedule and can't/don't wanna stop, it can be done! I don't think you can do it with your seatbelt on, so the times I've done it have been middle of the night, when there's hardly any traffic.
Urinating outdoors is a wonderful thing. There's the freedom of having your willie out in the fresh air (ahh!), and the thrill and excitement of doing something naughty, which you could get in trouble for, if you're caught. Usually, when I do it, it's pitch dark, and I go behind a dumpster.
It's smelly back there anyway, so what's the diff? I know you lady drivers can't really do it, and there's a whole different set of rules when it comes to women drivers, so I won't comment on that. All I know is, the milk jug is "the way" when it comes to me, as a guy, out there on the road. Look in any truckstop garbage can, and you'll probably see a container full of yellow liquid. Hint: it ain't apple juice! I've heard all kinds of stories about drivers and their filled jugs - one guy in IA was tossing his over a fence, right into someone's back yard - I heard this on the radio about a year ago, and laughed my ass off when I heard it. Drivers can be inconsiderate when it comes to disposing of their jugs, even at my company. My boss has told me that, on more than one occasion, he's had to throw out jugs of piss left by dumbass, selfish drivers. Geez! I mean, I've said before, I'm not the cleanest guy in the world, but I'll at least police up my own garbage and toss it out at the end of my run.
Now we come to #2. Yeah, it's a topic (again, paraphrasing George Carlin:) everybody does, but nobody wants to talk about. Look, we're all human beings, and our bodies all work pretty much the same way. The differences are basically in the intensity. So, whether you're in a line of stalls
at the truckstop, or all alone in the wide-open store in the middle of the night, "when ya gotta go, ya gotta go!" Yeah, I've heard the most outrageous sounding passing of gas (I always make
the "oooh, me likey" face, then try to stop myself from busting out laughing - told ya I was sick!)
Well, here's my worst exploding-bowel story: I'm sitting at the truckstop in Dubuque. I don't remember what the fuck I had to eat, but it sure as hell didn't agree with me. So, it's about 10 at night, and my gut is just on fire! I wake up, look outside, and, sure as shit, it's raining cats and dogs. I know something bad is gonna happen soon. I usually have some Pepto-Bismol with me, and that generally will settle me down, but not on this night. So, thinking quickly, I grab my knife, cut the top off the milk jug, squat over it, and let 'er rip! Had plenty of TP, as I mentioned before (I just steal a roll from the stores). But, and this is the disgusting part, I just left the container in the cab overnight, drew the curtains, and went back to sleep. I figured, "Shit, I'm the only one that has to smell it, and I'll have plenty of time to air out the cab tomorrow."
Anyway, my problem lately is actually the opposite: my body kind of "locks up," so I can't go,
and I'm bound-up for a couple of days till I get home, then (ahhh!) it's like my whole body just relaxes, and I'm on the pot for a half hour. I compare it to a fist: it's clenched-up during the week, then unclenches when the stress is taken away. I know it's purely psychological, although the wife has recommended I use her all-natural laxative (maybe I'll try it). So, are you thoroughly disgusted yet? Anyway, that's it, not too painful, right?
More soon,
Steve
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