Bodily Functions

"Isn't it funny how we say 'take a piss' and 'take a shit;' you don't take 'em, ya leave 'em!"
George Carlin

*NOTE: If you are squeamish, you might not want to read the following post :0)

So, we truck drivers are a nasty bunch, aren't we? I mean, carrying around our urine in empty
milk jugs (or other containers) is a disgusting habit. But it's necessary at times - I'm just speaking for myself, but I don't run into rest areas or truckstops "in synch" with my bladder, so
I go when I'm stopped, usually when I'm at a store. Sure, I'll use the store's restroom, if it's available. That's a big IF. Sometimes there's a bunch of crap (no pun intended) piled into the restroom (garbage cans, racks, etc.) or, if it's a long walk to the men's room, I'll just break out the ol' milk jug. You get a little paranoid, because there's invariably people walking or driving past. I always say "You vants to see me pecker?" Yeah, I'm a little strange. Before I became
familiar with using the milk jugs, I'd just go in my empty coffee thermos, pour it out onto the grass, and just make sure I rinsed it out real good before putting more coffee in there. Who wants salty coffee? Shit, I've even gone while in motion: it's tricky; you have to lower the seat down all the way, undo yer zipper, whip it out, kinda stand up, then position the container under your Johnson, all while keeping the truck between the lines. I don't recommend doing it, but if your on a tight schedule and can't/don't wanna stop, it can be done! I don't think you can do it with your seatbelt on, so the times I've done it have been middle of the night, when there's hardly any traffic.
Urinating outdoors is a wonderful thing. There's the freedom of having your willie out in the fresh air (ahh!), and the thrill and excitement of doing something naughty, which you could get in trouble for, if you're caught. Usually, when I do it, it's pitch dark, and I go behind a dumpster.
It's smelly back there anyway, so what's the diff? I know you lady drivers can't really do it, and there's a whole different set of rules when it comes to women drivers, so I won't comment on that. All I know is, the milk jug is "the way" when it comes to me, as a guy, out there on the road. Look in any truckstop garbage can, and you'll probably see a container full of yellow liquid. Hint: it ain't apple juice! I've heard all kinds of stories about drivers and their filled jugs - one guy in IA was tossing his over a fence, right into someone's back yard - I heard this on the radio about a year ago, and laughed my ass off when I heard it. Drivers can be inconsiderate when it comes to disposing of their jugs, even at my company. My boss has told me that, on more than one occasion, he's had to throw out jugs of piss left by dumbass, selfish drivers. Geez! I mean, I've said before, I'm not the cleanest guy in the world, but I'll at least police up my own garbage and toss it out at the end of my run.
Now we come to #2. Yeah, it's a topic (again, paraphrasing George Carlin:) everybody does, but nobody wants to talk about. Look, we're all human beings, and our bodies all work pretty much the same way. The differences are basically in the intensity. So, whether you're in a line of stalls
at the truckstop, or all alone in the wide-open store in the middle of the night, "when ya gotta go, ya gotta go!" Yeah, I've heard the most outrageous sounding passing of gas (I always make
the "oooh, me likey" face, then try to stop myself from busting out laughing - told ya I was sick!)
Well, here's my worst exploding-bowel story: I'm sitting at the truckstop in Dubuque. I don't remember what the fuck I had to eat, but it sure as hell didn't agree with me. So, it's about 10 at night, and my gut is just on fire! I wake up, look outside, and, sure as shit, it's raining cats and dogs. I know something bad is gonna happen soon. I usually have some Pepto-Bismol with me, and that generally will settle me down, but not on this night. So, thinking quickly, I grab my knife, cut the top off the milk jug, squat over it, and let 'er rip! Had plenty of TP, as I mentioned before (I just steal a roll from the stores). But, and this is the disgusting part, I just left the container in the cab overnight, drew the curtains, and went back to sleep. I figured, "Shit, I'm the only one that has to smell it, and I'll have plenty of time to air out the cab tomorrow."
Anyway, my problem lately is actually the opposite: my body kind of "locks up," so I can't go,
and I'm bound-up for a couple of days till I get home, then (ahhh!) it's like my whole body just relaxes, and I'm on the pot for a half hour. I compare it to a fist: it's clenched-up during the week, then unclenches when the stress is taken away. I know it's purely psychological, although the wife has recommended I use her all-natural laxative (maybe I'll try it). So, are you thoroughly disgusted yet? Anyway, that's it, not too painful, right?

More soon,


Steve